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They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? " Neighbors in Montana A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault..was the asphalt!

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!! The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package. What did the blonde say to her boyfriend after he blew in her ear? The brunette pointed and said look a dead bird the blonde looked up and asked, "where?? Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: It was a bill for 0 for a consultation! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license! Heaven can wait A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “ God, how long is a million years to you? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say? "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. " She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

Comments at your Funeral Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. " He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234? Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... " Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.

A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional Yo' Mama's so Short......... I stepped in her front door and came out through the back. she remembers the Alamo she knew Ronald Mc Donald when he was in clown school scientists claim she's the missing link she lived at the Gettysburg address her birthday expired she has an autographed copy of the bible when I told her to act her age, she dropped dead she remembers turning tricks for a nickel she's in Jesus's yearbook! Dogged lawyer A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. she looks up to EVERYONE she does IT with your sister's Ken doll she could bungee jump off my shoelaces she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a curb she goes swimming in a bottle cap she scuba dives in the fish bowl she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime she takes an elevator to get up to bed she could handglide on a dorito chip you can see her feet on her driver licence picture. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, “ If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

You'll notice that there are no graphics on this site. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.

Just hundreds of funny jokes arranged in no particular order. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Collecting Snails For Dinner Party A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?